Without Wax

Joining Nano!

2008-11-04T01:42:00.000-08:00

I just started yesterday night. Below is an excerpt of the prolouge. I still don't know how things are going, but I figured out I will find out along the way! I must finish nano this year. I must.

Today, I saw you. I saw your pale, alabaster skin and I was struck anew by the fact that I knew you intimately. I see your eyes connecting with me, and I wonder if there is any glimpse of recognition. Don’t you recognise me? I remember you. I remember the days oh so long ago, I remember what we used to have. Don’t you remember?

I see you looking, searching my body with your eyes from head to toe and back to my eyes again. You blink, and turned away. No, you don’t recognize me. Why didn’t you? Couldn’t you remember the history we had together?

I wanted to grab you, but I stopped myself. I knew things would get ugly. I knew you would deny ever knowing me, and somehow I knew that would be truth to you. That would be your version of the story. I knew, you see. I knew you, and I know you.

So here I am now, lambasting myself at this godforsaken alley with my heart in my mouth. I wish I can chew this heart to pieces, I wish I can stamp on this irritating piece of meat. It thunders in nerve-wrecking disappointment and I think… that’s it. I’ve lost you forever.

I want to rail against the system. I want to scream and shout and fight against this way of life. I want to go back to normal, and pretend that we are one happy family. But this can never happen, isn’t it? We were forbidden from the start.

But we couldn’t, wouldn’t see. If we had, I doubt we would be where we are now, separated and with varying levels of memories. I could still be seeing you, talking to you – while my heart screams in perfect symphony of ecstasy and agony. I could pretend this is all me; my ways, my thoughts, my actions, and I would never have dragged you in.

I did, and I am deeply sorry for that. I ruined your life with my emotions, and I can never forgive myself. At the same time, I want to destroy it even more because I cannot stand not seeing you, having you near me. Do you get it? Do you understand? I hope you do, because I am going to hand my heart on a platter, for you to do as you will.

THIS IS NOT YOUR ORDINARY TEXT

2008-10-18T20:49:00.000-07:00

today i read of a –
death: someone’s sister (this heart hammers),
felled by a clot in the brain. so young and
oh! a pity. (the limbs ache)
i’m alive! i’m well! i’m awake and i can jump can scream can shout!
(she left her entire life –
like that.)

i’m! startling! aware! of the differences and i
marvel! at your sovereignty. (you know i don’t understand
you, your ways and – i don’t think i ever will – but
right now i’m alive and that! alone! sets me
spinning.)

quietly, at a standstill.
dear father: past present future –
its all in your hands.
head on! i’ve nothing to lose.
I know you’d meet my halfway (grace begins) when this strength fades.

Listen!

2008-10-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I apologized to my friend.

We used to be pretty good friends. I would dare say she was within my tight group of friends, which consisted of >4 people that I will let in about my thoughts and feelings.

Things took a turn downhill when I was insecure about certain issues in our lives, and I stopped talking to her. I knew it was my fault, but because I didn't want to face it - I tried to run away.

Well, the past caught up with me and I decided once and for all to keep things on a clean slate. So at this point, it is where we backtrack to the first sentence of this post: I apologized.

I don't want to rush this renewed relationship, nor do I want to overwhelm the both of us. While talking to her and another friend, I discover that I need to relearn the art of listening with my heart and mind at the same time. I need to listen. I need to stop cutting in.

I need so much practice in that area.

An Update

2008-09-18T00:14:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking of getting a Zen Stone Plus to accompany me on my runs.

Not that I am a very serious runner or thinking about competition, but I just thought it’d do me some good and induce me to run on the days I don’t feel like doing so. I think I haven’t acquire the skill to just breeze through the short runs without thinking and thinking about every step and change in breathing.

But creative doesn’t allow me to make an online purchase without a credit card, and that’sdamnit irritating. Urgh.

Anyhow its been a long time since I’ve been on here, and thought I better update. J

School has been a tad bit draining; I’m running through five classes through the week. That makes less time for socializing, and I fear I’m becoming a social recluse.

And when I look back now, I think I’ve been driving away used-to friends and I don’t know if I want them back. Even if I do, I don’t know how to go about doing it.

Jamaica - No Problem.

2008-08-25T02:58:00.000-07:00

Well I am rather late in my showers of adoration and adulation towards Jamaican athletics star U-Bolt - nevertheless it is here now. Better late than never, I always tell myself (and I suppose, by then I'd trailing far far behind in Usain Bolt's running dust).

Anyway, I knew about Bolt's lightning fast pace in the Olympics' men 100m race, as well as his infamous stunt: slowing down even before the finishing line. I read the news, saw the people's MSN nicks about him, etc and I have to admit.. He is a world superstar!

Unlike the IOC president Jacques Rogge, I am not going to blast him for his supposed mishandling of celebration style and whatnot. I think it is a fantastic thing, and bloody awesome how even if he slowed down towards the end, he was still far and above the winner.

Bolt was tested for drugs more times than he competed in the races, but to the end he was really confident and laidback about everything. He said, and I quote, "If you work hard and want something enough, you can get it. You don’t have to cheat."

He has inspired me to live a clean life without fear of checks at any point of time.

Take, take it all.

2008-08-11T06:54:00.000-07:00

I remember a scene from Year 1 Semester 1 in class; when we were debating rather forcefully on the subject of dreams and ambitions. I remember this girl telling me she wanted to be a singer, and even went to the extent of auditioning in some arts school. However, she decided not to enroll because of financial ineptness and some other reasons that completely escapes me as of right now.

At that point of time I was really worked up, and being very brash by stating that if they desire dream so much, it shouldn't be so easy to give up. I questioned the class' commitment to their dreams, and their apparent lack of backbone.

I still stand firmly by what I said. I still believe that if the dream was thought of since young, it shouldn't be easy to forget, to let go, to forgo for another. You tell me - is it easy for you? And even if you do replace it with another, wouldn't your heart ache for what could have been?

Perhaps this may seem like a very Westernized view of things, like how we should have the freedom to choose what we want. But I think that such ideals should not be an either/or view. It shouldn't be the sort like "I am brought up according to the ideals of absolute freedom yada yada" thus my stand. It should be more of a desire to fight for what's apparently close to my heart - I fight for what's rightfully mine. That isn't just an Eastern view. That isn't just a Western perspective. It's not either, but it's both.

And yeah I do subscribe to that belief. Life is too short to live for another.

It rained.. so (excuses).

2008-08-07T06:35:00.000-07:00

Yeah well let's talk about running today.

I am an amateur runner. Well to be specific, you can call me a sporadic jogger. I try my best to run up to three times a week, but lately the runs have dropped to once or twice. There are many factors at fault here: I was sick two weeks back, tests were streaming in one after another, etc. However the main problem is laziness.

Yes, procrastination is my ugly middle name, and I live up to it alright. "Oh I just ate. Can't be running right?" "I'm tired." "It's late, and what happens if I get kidnapped/raped/other heinous crimes?"

Ah. Today will be yet another non-running day. I'm tired, and I'm really tired. I am just so lazy to run in circles! It makes me feel like a dog at play, chasing after its own tail.

Lately I've been entertaining the thought of buying a Zen Stone Plus to accompany me through the runs. Its market price is $99, but today when I zoomed in at the price at Challenger today, it was $89!!

Now I am wondering if the price will drop even lower during the Comex fair. Or at the very least, be given more freebies at that same price.

I think I know running will music will just be a fad in my running schedule, but I just can't help but indulge in the thought. Why.

When I get it, I promise - that week will be a long distance running week.

(And now, let's entertain thoughts of swimming during the holidays. Abs, here I come!)

Tear the wrap around the eyes.

2008-07-30T01:41:00.000-07:00

When you have long enough years on earth and you begin to examine the breadth of the span, I hope you will not find yourself lacking like I did, and am in the process of discovery.

I chanced upon an article on Mypaper regarding Singaporeans' view on beauty, and the writer wrote that we view girls to be beautiful when they are fashion-smart, svelte and something else I forgot. That the girls want guys who have that bad boy appeal.

Is it really, that Singapore girls, including myself, are that shallow? Yeah I do subscribe to the tidbit that if you're toned, then you are admired because I see the discipline gene in you. Hm, am I just second-guessing myself?

There's a need to sit down, and figure out what I really want (and don't want) before proceeding.

Make your mistakes.

2008-07-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

We grow up, we make mistakes. We make mistakes, we grow up. These two are interchangeable, what with the ideal most have - that wisdom comes with age.

Why is it then that the older I grow the more complicated situations around me seem to become?

I see people making choices, I see their foolishness and antics and I think to myself "Oh my, they remind me of myself at that particular age." Then I will proceed with slamming them, putting them down because I see the yesterme in them.

On hindsight, I should not. Not only will it demean their experiences, but it'd also prevent them from really learning. There is such a distinct difference between advising people not to follow in my footsteps and forcing them to not follow.

Warped View

2008-07-10T01:47:00.000-07:00

A friend recently told me about this high ranking personnel who he deems as strange. The latter is considered "strange" because he chooses to listen first before he makes his stand, and the moment he does - it is unshakable.

That is, until and unless you have evidence to back it up. Then he'd be gracious enough to step down, and admit he is in the wrong.

Funny isn't it - how one is considered strange by another. Don't you think it shows my friend's thoughts, and the way he thinks? In retrospect, does it not show the bigger picture of how the world is pressurizing him to think?

Well I don't mind acting thus, and being considered yet another of the strange species. Or let's put it this way, I think I wouldn't mind. (Maybe I will. But I hope to high heavens it won't be the latter.)

Need or Want?

2008-07-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

Friendship as stated by C.S. Lewis, is the most unnatural of all loves - one seeks another not out of need, but out of want.

Friendship is not affection, when we are used to each other. Friendship is not eros, when we are tempted to go beyond the unsaid line. Friendship is truly such when one turns to look at another and say, "What, you too?"

I think I am looking for such friendships. I've some broken, because of my undesirable habit of depending on them, and getting emotional when they are seemingly closer to another than to me. Yeah I am some kind of a one-friend person, when one can really mean the world to me.

Maybe a few years down the road I'll turn back and smirk at this self right now: I am with like-minded and close-knitted friends who I enjoy sincerely, and I am confident enough to not depend on anyone for security anymore.

As for now, I've to learn to forgive myself. Her. Her. Okay, let's learn.

The Other side of Reality.

2008-07-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

One of the turning points in my life the last few months was when I was searching for authenticity in things and people I connect with on a day-to-day basis. I was restless, and tired of visages, of fake smiles. I wanted something real, someone to stand up to me and say something, anything! to show that our relationship meant more than keeping peace.

By and large I discovered the phrase "without wax" came from the word "sincere" - sine cera (Latin). The word came about during a period of time when craftsmen would try to pass off their potteries as more expensive by covering the cracks with wax. Quality potteries were stamped with the word sin cera to show that they were the real deal, and genuine.

That struck me. I have mulled over the phrase and felt it an apt statement to describe how I want to live - in the best possible way I can and more importantly, without wax. Being real with myself and people, caring more for quality than comfortability.

Thus the phrase on this blog. It is to remind myself, and to tell you that you don't have to be fake to enjoy life. Do some outrageous things you've always want to do but never dared to. Come out of your comfort zone. Or be like me, someone learning to speak truth to herself because truth is truth and it sets you free more than lies ever will.