Joining Nano!

I just started yesterday night. Below is an excerpt of the prolouge. I still don't know how things are going, but I figured out I will find out along the way! I must finish nano this year. I must.

Today, I saw you. I saw your pale, alabaster skin and I was struck anew by the fact that I knew you intimately. I see your eyes connecting with me, and I wonder if there is any glimpse of recognition. Don’t you recognise me? I remember you. I remember the days oh so long ago, I remember what we used to have. Don’t you remember?

I see you looking, searching my body with your eyes from head to toe and back to my eyes again. You blink, and turned away. No, you don’t recognize me. Why didn’t you? Couldn’t you remember the history we had together?

I wanted to grab you, but I stopped myself. I knew things would get ugly. I knew you would deny ever knowing me, and somehow I knew that would be truth to you. That would be your version of the story. I knew, you see. I knew you, and I know you.

So here I am now, lambasting myself at this godforsaken alley with my heart in my mouth. I wish I can chew this heart to pieces, I wish I can stamp on this irritating piece of meat. It thunders in nerve-wrecking disappointment and I think… that’s it. I’ve lost you forever.

I want to rail against the system. I want to scream and shout and fight against this way of life. I want to go back to normal, and pretend that we are one happy family. But this can never happen, isn’t it? We were forbidden from the start.

But we couldn’t, wouldn’t see. If we had, I doubt we would be where we are now, separated and with varying levels of memories. I could still be seeing you, talking to you – while my heart screams in perfect symphony of ecstasy and agony. I could pretend this is all me; my ways, my thoughts, my actions, and I would never have dragged you in.

I did, and I am deeply sorry for that. I ruined your life with my emotions, and I can never forgive myself. At the same time, I want to destroy it even more because I cannot stand not seeing you, having you near me. Do you get it? Do you understand? I hope you do, because I am going to hand my heart on a platter, for you to do as you will.

THIS IS NOT YOUR ORDINARY TEXT

today i read of a –
death: someone’s sister (this heart hammers),
felled by a clot in the brain. so young and
oh! a pity. (the limbs ache)
i’m alive! i’m well! i’m awake and i can jump can scream can shout!
(she left her entire life –
like that.)

i’m! startling! aware! of the differences and i
marvel! at your sovereignty. (you know i don’t understand
you, your ways and – i don’t think i ever will – but
right now i’m alive and that! alone! sets me
spinning.)

quietly, at a standstill.
dear father: past present future –
its all in your hands.
head on! i’ve nothing to lose.
I know you’d meet my halfway (grace begins) when this strength fades.

Listen!

A few days ago, I apologized to my friend.

We used to be pretty good friends. I would dare say she was within my tight group of friends, which consisted of >4 people that I will let in about my thoughts and feelings.

Things took a turn downhill when I was insecure about certain issues in our lives, and I stopped talking to her. I knew it was my fault, but because I didn't want to face it - I tried to run away.

Well, the past caught up with me and I decided once and for all to keep things on a clean slate. So at this point, it is where we backtrack to the first sentence of this post: I apologized.

I don't want to rush this renewed relationship, nor do I want to overwhelm the both of us. While talking to her and another friend, I discover that I need to relearn the art of listening with my heart and mind at the same time. I need to listen. I need to stop cutting in.

I need so much practice in that area.